People ask what it is like to live with plutonium radiation toxicity, and then they don’t like what I have to say.

The words and feeling that arise when the radiation is pouring out my body goes like this: unfit to live, undeserving, unworthy, unlovable scum, despicable, totally unlovable, neglected, worthless, undeserving to breathe, along with massive self-hatred, self-denial and self-loathing. It took years to differentiate between the nastiness inside and my real essence. Living that level of annihilation and destruction totally erodes self-esteem.

When the radiation grates against my nerves and infects my brain. It feels like battery acid inside my skull.

Black terror and horror arise in the night and I wake up screaming with nightmares for years. The deep heartbreak of what we are doing to the earth and to ourselves creates a vast hole in my heart.  I learn to keep my mouth shut because if I disagree, I’ll be annihilated, blown to bits, and my home will be bombed.

Also see “How do you know it’s plutonium?”

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